Pandemic Temporal Distortion
Moving in Slow Motion…
Time has no meaning. Has it ever? I remember feeling guilty for waking up late because there was an immediate consequence — less time to get ready or running late to a meeting. Now I still feel guilty but I wonder if it’s just a residual response.
Scheduling is sort of the mainstay of my existence. I’m a wedding planner. I have a color coded calendar and agenda. I love scheduling deadlines and meetings for and with clients. I mark time by the season for all of my contracted weddings. I have both a profound respect and love for time. Despite that I still struggle with understanding it. ADHD doesn’t really help in that category but apps like the Time Timer help atypicals like moi conceptualize it a lot more. But now that we’re in this vaccuum of pandemonium, time feels as distorted in the real world as it does in my mind.
It moves in slow motion. Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like it’s moving. Time used to be broken down into blocks of productivity. The start of the business day, midday, and the end of the business day. If I wake up at 11 a.m. on Monday, go to bed at 6 a.m. on Tuesday, and wake up at 3 p.m. Thursday, when does the day “start?” When you’re caught in the whirlwind of perceived versus actual measurement of time, things slow down. We’ve all felt it. The process of concentration takes much, much, much longer than it used to. The things we used to enjoy seem tainted by our stress. The day seems to escape us and drag on indefinitely simultaneously. It’s a hot damn mess. But it actually makes perfect sense.
Temporal distortion is common among those who suffer from PTSD (me again). A pandemic is a collective form of trauma. Some of you may not want to admit this, that you’re human and that things can both be out of control and happen to you without your prior notice, but it’s true. Jobs have been lost, businesses permanently closed, pantries emptied, stomachs unfilled, and domestic violence has risen in the past two months. Our schedules, our livelihoods, our present has been shaken up and arrested. Our futures feel impossible right now. Thinking or feeling too much in our regular lives already could cause us to crack open into a million pieces so we tried to take it day by day. But under these circumstances even day by day seems extremely exhausting.
So here’s what I can suggest as a temporal distortionist for 29 years: forgive yourself. Please, please, please forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not having all of this figured out (no one does). Forgive yourself for not performing the same way you used to (no one is). Forgive yourself for not being what you think you need to be in this time and attempt to accept who you are, as you are right now. Our usual distractions from ourselves won’t work now. You might as well use this time to dig deeper into yourself and do the work you’ve been avoiding for some time. Start with forgiving yourself. We all might sleep a little better once we do.
